If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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