My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
