i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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