i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
