Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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