you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Let's get the cat blown out
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
