I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
