my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
