Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
