remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
