I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
