just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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