I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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