there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
