I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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