sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
try to milk me bitch
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
