Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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