They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
