i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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