I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've blown a few things in my day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
