I met the friendliest cop last night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
