Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
