i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
