when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
