I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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