I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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