well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
