So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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