He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
