Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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