there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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