Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
