ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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