Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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