hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
