oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
