Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This is classic penis vs brain.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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