I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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