I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
