his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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