Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
