I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
