I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
