We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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