I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
