meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
