I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
