he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
