Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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