I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
