Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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