It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
