omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
